xray conference
me: this xray belongs to a 25 yrs old male, alleged fall from stiars, sustained anterior dislocation of the shoulder. CMR done to this patient, and this is xray post CMR.
specialist: so, what is CMR, X?
x: Close Manual Reduction
specialist: so, got close AUTO reduction, ah?
me and x: krik…krik…krik
CMR= Close Manipulative Reduction
changes.
am filled with anxiety.
remembering that when I first away from home to study, went to MRSM Qber (Kuala Berang), Terengganu. Let alone friend, there are only a few student comes from Johor.
Then when I went to matrix tangkak, muar for a few weeks, only a male friend that i know of went there. Practically alone.
Later, I went to KMB , there also only one friend that i know of, and a male one. so…again, am relatively alone.
At KMB, i met friends, which later on become closer closer when we went to CZ, to study for 6 years. and never felt alone anymore whenever am in a new place.
6 years passed, and I’m being comfortable of having people that i know of around me. i feel ‘secure’.
now. reality hits.
i’m in a new phase. soon, I’ll be a newbie at a workplace. with no one that I know.
again… am alone.
ok, i lied.
I did know few people working there.
My seniors, my friends. (and I did keep on pestering them to ask around about the new workplace)
What i mean is that, I had no friends that will come to work together with me at the new place. hoho…
because i was too used, having people i know whenever i’m in a new place, it kinda gives me in a safe zone. (if that make sense)
Realizing the situation that I am now, it gives me anxiety. Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t mean i can’t be independent, but, i know when i’m in that kind of situation, adjusting to new places and all, i became so “focus”, (read: blank), that i can never recall what i did in the first week where i was at.
i need to learn to enjoy this kind of anxiety more. fuuh…
oh well…
now on mission of making friends. wish me luck!
side note:
Am in the middle of self loathing. And I want to scream out of my lungs due to embarrassment right now.
today I order for pizza takeout, as I bit lazy to cook for myself.
and I prepared the exact amount that I supposed to pay.
the pizza delivery man came.
and i give him the money. the exact amount. until, one of the coin drop, and roll away from me, and goes under the car. me and the delivery man “chased” the coin, but fails.
I was shocked, and want to get back into my house to take the money from my wallet, but the delivery man just say it’s ok.
so i stop in my track. and apologized.
that man is cool.
i should have get back to my apartment to get back my money.
even though it’s only 1Czk.
the man might be ok, but am not.
till now, i’m still self loathing.
in the future, if its happens again, i should get back to get my wallet. more like, i should have my wallet with me.
urgh…
so embarrassing. and i feel bad for the man. 😦
side note:
for 6 year I’m here in CZ, there had been several occasion when the CZ people pay for me. when I don’t have small money with me, and when the cashier don’t have small money to pay me either, so the person behind me pay for me. Can’t thank you enough.
I really pray for those who treat me, however small the price is, I wish you guys have better day, and life, and wish that someday Allah give you guys Hidayah. insyaAllah.
Bila tgh study untuk exam, most student know how hard it is. Though it varies between individual how difficult it is.
Anyway,
bila ade orang kate,
“takpe, paper tu senang je” (thoughtless, careless remark told by inexperienced people who never goes through the oral exam)
rase nak lepuk je.
tapi mungkin sebab me tak beri penerangan yang jelas sistem exam kat sini. brape kali terang pun, rasa macam penerangan daku ni macam x cukup, so malas, and I picked up “the-layan-je-la” attitude. walaupun sepatutnya, saya perlu lebih berusaha untuk memantapkan skill penerangan saya.
oh well, me cuba terima ayat itu dengan hati yang lapang dan cuba meyakinkan diri, “ye, paper tu memang senang” dengan confident.
wish me luck for final examssss for my final year here, folks!
Moga dipermudahkan urusan saya dan sahabat2 perjuangan saya…
Ameen…
Assallamualaikum.
I forgot how I was for these past few years.
Nowadays, I have little contact with real people in real life, meeting face to face can be easily count with fingers (on social basis, excluding the practical class that I have, which is nowadays…not daily as it was).
So, basically, with less interaction with real people, I somehow never got into conflict, or crisis. My “life” just evolve around the books, and laptop. If i see something I don’t like on the social media, I just scroll past them, so..I never got myself into crisis that way. I thought myself as a not-easy-to-anger kind of person. But it’s all a lie. Blinded by the fact that I have low contact with real people nowadays.
Now that I think back, throughout my life (not that long though), where I have contact with real life the most…I am a very quick tempered person.
I remembered going into argument once with other students who don’t follow the rules. just once, I think? it must be something ridiculous, because , I am not a good prefect as I should. I did quite often rebel against the school, i.e comics, cassette player, stay in dorm when it’s prep time, oh well…so sometimes, outside the inspection, whenever I found those “illegal” article, I just let them be, because I did the same too.
I also easily sulk, when I’m upset. Sometimes, out of nowhere, or even minuscule ridiculous things can make me upset, and when I’m upset, I stay in silence, it’s hard to tell others what I felt about it. I thought that, with silence, I hope I won’t blurt out not-pretty-words, so I stay in silence. But I’m glad that I have friends, that told me, sometimes I have to tell them what’s wrong, if there’s anything wrong, because in that way, the issue can be resolved or they won’t know. So from there on, I learnt that sometimes you had to voice out what you thought. I’m really thankful for their words, because I won’t know if they don’t tell me.
Sometimes, if I don’t like or feel bad about something, I turn blind eyes for it. I love to run away from something I don’t like, ends up with me doing something that I like, but also only to deepen the unresolved issues at hand. But, if there’s no issue from me running away from the “bad” situation, I know that, I’m glad that I run away from it, because I can grasp my happiness with my own hand.
I can be sensitive whenever I feel wronged. I have the urge to be defensive about it. but, if i feel wronged and needs to be corrected, I tried to address the issue. But it’s hard, as I may blow my fuse while I talk. And that’s not cute. At all.
Anyway, I know, I need anger management issue. Need to control myself. Islam have it’s own way for the management, and I should perform it by heart.
Also, I need to get into social life as often I should be. What’s that term? Exposure therapy? So that, I got into society, and being exposed into crisis (as sometimes, you can’t avoid crisis), and learnt from there, how to manage the issue. Now, the question is, when it’ll be?
Pray that, I’ll be protected from Shaytan’s whisper to my heart, and pray that I’ll be able to control my nafs, emotion as a Muslim should be. Ameen.
when I finally move around like a normal person does, I collapse.
after being dormant for a month, just laying around in the house, sitting on chair for studies and rarely goes outside from home for more than a month, when the class resume, I collapse.
Tak faham apa yang penat sangat. Hanya ikut Dr kesana-sini untuk 5 jam, bukanlah aktiviti yang strenous pun, tapi bila habis kelas, aku mengeletar. Balik rumah. makan. tidur. melepek, for the rest of the day. Omwok Dr kasi dibuat dari atas katil.
Akibat jarang keluar rumah dan jarang bergerak.
i worry for my future. 😦
