I forgot how I was for these past few years.
Nowadays, I have little contact with real people in real life, meeting face to face can be easily count with fingers (on social basis, excluding the practical class that I have, which is nowadays…not daily as it was).
So, basically, with less interaction with real people, I somehow never got into conflict, or crisis. My “life” just evolve around the books, and laptop. If i see something I don’t like on the social media, I just scroll past them, so..I never got myself into crisis that way. I thought myself as a not-easy-to-anger kind of person. But it’s all a lie. Blinded by the fact that I have low contact with real people nowadays.
Now that I think back, throughout my life (not that long though), where I have contact with real life the most…I am a very quick tempered person.
I remembered going into argument once with other students who don’t follow the rules. just once, I think? it must be something ridiculous, because , I am not a good prefect as I should. I did quite often rebel against the school, i.e comics, cassette player, stay in dorm when it’s prep time, oh well…so sometimes, outside the inspection, whenever I found those “illegal” article, I just let them be, because I did the same too.
I also easily sulk, when I’m upset. Sometimes, out of nowhere, or even minuscule ridiculous things can make me upset, and when I’m upset, I stay in silence, it’s hard to tell others what I felt about it. I thought that, with silence, I hope I won’t blurt out not-pretty-words, so I stay in silence. But I’m glad that I have friends, that told me, sometimes I have to tell them what’s wrong, if there’s anything wrong, because in that way, the issue can be resolved or they won’t know. So from there on, I learnt that sometimes you had to voice out what you thought. I’m really thankful for their words, because I won’t know if they don’t tell me.
Sometimes, if I don’t like or feel bad about something, I turn blind eyes for it. I love to run away from something I don’t like, ends up with me doing something that I like, but also only to deepen the unresolved issues at hand. But, if there’s no issue from me running away from the “bad” situation, I know that, I’m glad that I run away from it, because I can grasp my happiness with my own hand.
I can be sensitive whenever I feel wronged. I have the urge to be defensive about it. but, if i feel wronged and needs to be corrected, I tried to address the issue. But it’s hard, as I may blow my fuse while I talk. And that’s not cute. At all.
Anyway, I know, I need anger management issue. Need to control myself. Islam have it’s own way for the management, and I should perform it by heart.
Also, I need to get into social life as often I should be. What’s that term? Exposure therapy? So that, I got into society, and being exposed into crisis (as sometimes, you can’t avoid crisis), and learnt from there, how to manage the issue. Now, the question is, when it’ll be?
Pray that, I’ll be protected from Shaytan’s whisper to my heart, and pray that I’ll be able to control my nafs, emotion as a Muslim should be. Ameen.